somewhere along the line, we realize who people really are...

Yesterday was easter Sunday...the day our Lord and savior was risen...after sacrificing himself for my sins...my continuous multitude of slip-ups, lies, curses, and slaps in the face...giving me, someone so unworthy, a second chance to do things right...a chance for eternity with Him. I sit and think of pain and suffering here on earth and it is nothing compared to the weight he chose to bear on his shoulders for me...for all humanity. And did I thank Him yesterday...maybe I did...but reverently...probably not. We didn't even go to church...what's wrong with me.

I spent the day with my entire family...the first day our entire family: grandparents, aunts, uncles, sisters, and spouses had all been together for a very long time. And what did I realize...the different dynamics between all of the branches of our family are so incredibly bizzare...so incredibly different...and there is so much hurt...

I watch Tim and Nathan...those who are/will be married into this craziness...and they sit quietly watching basketball...so incredibly out of place...and when I look around, one can see why.

My grandfather...so quiet, but so incredibly intelligent and wise. And his second wife...my grandma Sylvia...so incredibly overbearing. Yes...my grandfather is a little slow due to parkinsons and being 85...but grandma...LET HIM TALK. So he is quiet...but he has so much to say if we could just take the TIME to have a conversation with him. But that isn't possible because she talks and does everything for him. So he dropped a little piece of pie in his lap...he's slowly getting his handkerchief to wipe it off his pant leg himself...but oh...here comes grandma to save the day...do you want to help him get to the bathroom too?? I love my grandmother, but she doesn't let him speak, she doesn't let him do things he wants to do, and is capable of doing by himself. And I can't help but think of the way she has treated my family has the STEP mother or STEP grandmother. We were never cared for as much as her own children and grandchildren...never listened to. Not to mention she came into the picture before my real grandmother was out of it (I know I wasn't born yet...but it still hurts). I watched my real grandmother waste away for 20 years in a nursing home, not cared for and neglected, while she had managed to work her way into the family.

My uncle randy...her son. Apple doesn't fall far from the tree I suppose. He sits with his new second wife of two years, Lori...and while she's nice, I can't help but see her as the "other woman". I loved my aunt heather so much...she was a very good mother with a strong heart for Christ, who stayed home with two children while my uncle worked constantly...and BOY was he working...with a great new partner in his business...a young blonde businesswoman who was obviously much more appealing than wife at home. I look at them sitting beside each other so happily...flirty, lively newleyweds, and sure...maybe they are "more right" for each other...maybe they are a perfect couple...but I can't help but think..."how did you do this to another woman...you knew he was married"...or..."do you two realize you ruined the life of another woman and changed the lives of two little boys forever." so much hurt...

My sister and Nathan...married almost three years...beautiful marriage...building their first house...both great teachers. But SO opinionated...one dimensional beliefs about all things to where they are borderline racist, conservative Christians with closed minds to all other things. I know nathan was raised in the south...but I don't know where this change in my sister happened...but she says such hurtful things. And she just kinda lacks tact...

AND...she's trying to plan MY wedding. "mom should get a dress like this...oh, that is the color pink you picked? oh...you should do this with your flowers." well guess what...you did this already three years ago...it's my turn. and yes, well i appreciate your help as the matron of honor. they aren't your decisions. Yes...I love pink...that is what color you are going to wear. sorry. i didn't really like your dresses all that much either. deal with it.

SO where does that leave us...my mother. I realized yesterday...sadly, that I don't even know who she is...and neither does she. More often than not, she just looks uncomfortable. she's afraid to speak...her hands shake, she looks so timid, and it's sad. In 35 years of marriage, she's lived a life of submission...my dad has such big opinions and such a big temper and not to mention shouting voice, she's never had a chance to speak, or even have her own mind. I don't know what my mom believes in, what she thinks about politics, or what her favorite food is...because she's never had a chance to have her own. It's like, she lives life so afraid...and it makes me so incredibly sad. I want her to have the strength to stand up to him like I did. I realize that his controlling attitude didn't just affect my sister and I...it's affected my mother for far longer...and will for the rest of her life.

When will he realize that he's wrong. When will she realize that it's wrong for her to live this way...afraid of making him angry or hurting is feelings...when she isn't allowed to have feelings of her own.

Wow...I sound bitter and angry...and part of me is. Part of me is just hurt. Part of me is embarrassed that this is my family...I love them, but when Tim looks at what he's stepping into...how can he not be a little skeptical. Can I tell you, my father has not even called his parents about wedding details since we got engaged. I mean, I know that it's his pride in that...:"i'm the father of the bride...i pay for it all"...but well, couldn't you just say..."hey...our kids are getting married...that's great. how would you like to be involved in the planning..." Tim is their first son...and they've been involved in every aspect of his life since, you know, birth...I think they'd like to at least play some part in the wedding plans...but he hasn't included them at all. He has to control everything and it makes me embarrassed, and well, sick to my stomach. We are going to be one family. But he doesn't see it that way...it's all a competition of who get's the kids for Christmas and who spends more time with whom...it's ridiculous. They wonder why we just want to pick up, move away, and start our lives somewhere else (which is the plan by the way...teach for america...here we come)...

I'm sorry to complain...I'm sorry to sound so angry. I have been quite fortunate. I have been provided with everything I could ever ask for. But honestly...it isn't about provision...it's about love. It's about showing love, not just to me...but to each other. I realize in watching Tim's family, and Nathan's family function, that I didn't really know what family or love is...

I know it isn't my place to judge...about what's good and right...I know that I am far from blameless or innocent. But something happens...when you graduate college, and you start your first job, and you realize you are getting married in six months...that you start to open your eyes. Your daddy isn't an invincible superhero...the uncle you used to play mario brothers with is not the coolest person in the world...and grandma wasn't in the nursing home "just because..."

it hurts...

sometimes I wish I was six years old again...and that I didn't see all these things. I don't want to see all these things.

"Christ the Lord is risen...yesterday...alleluia" Happy easter...thank you for all you've done for me...I'm sorry I didn't tell you yesterday...

back after two years...

I haven't updated this in almost 2 years...but sometimes, I kind of miss having somewhere to share my thoughts, to express what's on my mind or what I want to share with others, and also, to keep Katie Eckeberger updated on my life...you see...she requested that I update over 6 months ago...and I neglected to do so...but if for anyone, Katie...here is your update on my life, hahaha.

To be honest, the past year has been somewhat of a whirlwind...Tim and I are engaged and wedding planning for next October, I student taught, graduated college, and jumped right into a job teaching junior high choir at Bloomington Junior High. In 3 months of real teaching, I've learned SO much about myself, my teaching, my purpose, and junior high (ick)

It was rough at first...so much different than little old white-man town tri-valley. The school is so diverse, both racially, but even moreso, socioeconomically. I never realized how much some of the families in Bloomington-Normal are struggling. It broke my heart at first...seeing kids the eat breakfast and lunch at school on discounted lunch programs and probably don't eat again till the next day...asking a kid about their family and hearing "Dad's in jail", seeing the same clothes every day, seeing the fear in some of their eyes, seeing how tough they feel like the have to be and how defensive they are all the time...

Therefore, week 1:  emotionally tired, wanting to take about 100 kids home with me and feed them...

But in the past several weeks, I realized something: I am a TEACHER. I can't change their home life or where they came from or where their parents are. But I can TEACH them: yes, I can teach them to love music and to sing. I can teach them to laugh and have fun. But I can also teach them what a positive adult role model is. I can teach them what it means to have someone be loyal and trustworthy...what it means to have an adult to depend on. And maybe I won't change them all, but I will touch at least one. I will impact at least one. I will inspire at least one. I can't change this whole world...even this whole school...even one whole class in one day...but I can touch and inspire and impact at least ONE.

I also have a class of severly autistic and down syndrome students- my first class, every day at 9 AM...six students. Again, in the beginning, I had no idea what to do. I am not a therapist, I am not trained in this. And even more, I found myself feeling sorry for them...for not being able to blow their nose, or sit still in a chair, or even really communicate. I looked at one student who grabbed my hand one day...with a pleading look in his eyes, but he couldn't speak. He couldn't tell me what he wanted, or needed, or even that he liked our dance or the song we were singing. What was he thinking? What did he want to say to me? Why couldn't I understand? I pitied each and every one of them..

However, they have now become my favorite class to teach. I again realized: I can't change their circumstance...I can't take these horrible conditions away from them, or make them talk, or make them understand, but I can show them music, and laughter, and love. I can do all I can to meet the goals that they have for themselves, whether it's learning 2 lines from one song in a week, or knowing what time the clock says, or how to play freeze dance...no matter what, I have the opportunity to teach really special children. And I don't pity them...in the past few weeks, I have seen beautiful smiles. I have seen them memorize sign language to a song, perform dances, and sing with me every day with so much energy. I've seen their faces light up when they play a drum as loudly as they possibly can. I have heard incredible laughter and seen the most beautiful smiles ever in my life...from children that most of the world thinks would be incapable. They are the students that need me the most, and I love them all so much. I never knew I could do something this special...to play a part in it...and I realize that making a difference in a child's life is the most rewarding thing in the world...and I am so blessed.

So...week 10: still emotionally tired, but incredibly emotionally fulfilled and blessed with the most wonderful opportunitites in the world.

Praise God...

well, four weeks of day camp down, and now a week off. it's funny, friday i was SO looking forward to a week of relaxation, but now after only a few hours, i'm bored. weird as it sounds, i miss running around every day in the blazing heat, i miss swim time, and capture the flag, and breaktime naps with matt and kelly, i miss jim's hugs every morning, i miss shane making fun of me, i miss david having a song for everything,...but most of all...i miss the smiling faces of such incredible kids. i miss being asked for help to tie shoes or glue crafts, i miss scolding AJ and nolan for groping each other or trying to arm wrestle or climb up trees...i know, i'm probably lame for missing it after only, well the weekend. but i guess it's good...it makes me realize again what my passions are...how good it feels to see that what we are doing as counselors is making summer special for them, bringing a smile to their faces. i realized a lot last week how much we might mean to them...more than we think sometimes. One of my camper's father passed away a few years ago...several come from divorced families, and i have one who stays with his grandparents almost every day because his mother would do anything to get rid of him. i realized in what may be a world of difficulty and negativity for these kids, whether we believe it or not...we and camp may be their only positive influence...the only ones that care, and they should know that someone cares about them. I find that often they are the kids i want to throw in the lake because they are driving me crazy...but then i get it...they just want attention...they crave attention...they NEED attention. And knowing that I might possible be able to give them the positive energy they kind find anywhere else is sometimes a scary responsibilty, but at the same time, something completely beautiful to be entrusted with. Make something of it...

I love my job...

In other news...a question for all of you out there. Maybe not a question...as more of an open statement subject to your responses, advice...whatever. Anyhow...it's come to me that parents are not always right. When I was a little girl, my parents were my biggest heros...my mom was just the amazing nurturer or all things that could fix anything...and then if she couldn't, my amazing superhero father who felt no pain and had all the strength in the world could fix it. They could do no wrong. As I went through jr. high and high school, obviously that changed a bit. I realized our opinions contrasted a lot, but at the same time, I always felt like my opinion was wrong because it was different from theirs. They were parents...their views must be right, and we are disagreeing because mine are wrong. But now it's changed again. I'm not saying that in going to college that I have all the wisdom and knowledge in the world...I know that only comes with life and experience, stumbling, falling, learning and growing. HOWEVER...I have come to find that they can be wrong. That things they have done in my past have hurt me so greatly, have impacted my life in...well...extremely negative ways. That while I had grown accustomed to arguing and yelling being the only acceptable or useful means of communication...that it's not normal, and extremely wrong. That it isn't communication...it isn't even a conversation. That it isn't right. I'm so much more aware of all these things now...that my views are not wrong at all...but simply different. But then i look sometimes at how he views things, and I can't even imagine living...no...it isn't living...i can't even imagine existing the way that he does. How can one go through life so full of anger and hate, without forgiveness, with an attitude that everyone in the world is simply out to get them, that if our opinion is wrong, that it is out of spite and contempt towards him, and not that i actually feel that way.

i realize that home is not home...home is supposed to be a place full of love and acceptance, a place of comfort. A place of learning and growing in positive ways; a place you can always turn to without fear. i don't want you all out there to think i am completely complaining...i know i am very fortunate...that i have two parents that have remained married for over 30 years, who have provided for me financially in so many ways. But what does that matter if i can't talk to them...well to him specifically. Every day i continue to pray for my father, but every day, i grow more and more discouraged. I look at my father...who used to do no wrong in my eyes...and i see a man walking through life, no, running through life in such a hurry...to impress others, to do what is best for him without regard for anyone else, to have complete control and dominance over his life, and all the lives around him...including my sister and her husband, his mother, his wife and of course, myself. i don't know if it is out of some sense of insecurity that he has to have his hand over all of us constantly...that he feels disrespected if our views and beliefs are different than his. I see a man who is moving so quickly through every day that he doesn't see the beauty that comes in something so simple as the sunrise, so crazy as spontanaeity (unless of course it's his idea)...a man who can only express anger, who only knows how to react to anything violently,who is so judgemental without realizing it...who cares more about what others think before the happiness of his family.

i love my father, and watching him live like this hurts so much. I can't even imagine...

i miss home...the home of baking cookies or doing dishes with my mom without worrying about the tension of dad. the home of making amazing dinners with molly and kara...such great company. the home and motherliness of dr. carlson and choir, the home of cooking dinner with tim every night and falling asleep beside him. the home of being with amazing kids and coworkers every day... i miss the home i felt in seattle...a completely strange place to me, but such a welcome from an incredible family, in a house that just exudes love all around it. i miss home... 

 i know all of these things will come soon enough...all of those things are home to me. it's not a house...but the feelings of love that fill me when i am compeletly comforted and at peace. home...

sigh, sorry for the longest post in life. i love you timothy

have a great day all. HUGS  

I trust God...more than I ever have before. For the past week, with tim gone, and lots of extra time, I talked to Him...more than I ever have before, and something new happened inside of me when I did...i believed. How often have I prayed for something, but not really known for sure if it would happen or not...truly asked for God to just be there and think that He would. How often do we pray without expectancy.

God answers...He answered me. Maybe not in the direct ways that I expected, but in the ways He knew I needed. He knew I was lonely...He surrounded me with incredible coworkers and amazing children and an incredible mother. He knew I craved touch...and sent wonderful hugs from so many my way. He knew just when I needed to hear Tim's voice...while I would have liked to have heard it every second, I knew that wasn't possible, but it came at just the right moment during my day. He brought my love home to me safely...He answered. Maybe not always with directly what I wanted...but with what I needed. He revealed Himself to me in so many ways, and I truly realized...He does always hear me...He will ALWAYS answer.

Above all else, I think He knew I needed some reassurance...of so many things.

      *   Of His presence and power...and I truly believed again. The past week and few days, I have spent so deeply in prayer for my father: for him to know the Lord...to let go of everything, and just surrender. I've prayed this for five years, but only now is it so real and different...because I trust that God can do it. I know it is not in my power to change anyone...but God can change all hearts...He has the power to do it, and I believe in Him. Sure, there are moments that I get discouraged...that I say it will never happen...but I look to myself...ten years of planted seeds and nurturing and prayers before I just let Christ in. But it was the right time...it was God's time. Now after four years of emptily praying the same prayer, I feel God fill me, I feel His presence moving, and I trust He can...trust He will, change the heart of my father.

      *   Of what love truly is. There have been times when bumps in the road of relationships have just left me so incredibly weary, but He showed me that such challenges are not only beautiful and part of life, but necessary...to reassure me that this is what He wants, but that it can't just be easy. It's crazy to me, that the Lord brought together two very different people, from so incredibly far away...let them both stumble a bit before they found each other, carried them through three unbearable and challenging months apart...and brought them back together and revealed something beyond love...something eternal and unconditional...something that bridges all distances and all times...something perfect. Two people whose differences balance each other to make each other better people...two people who are constantly learning from one another. When he is away, I am reminded of the incredible beauty of that relationship...of how we are for one another...how that distance is merely a step in our relationship closer to one another. For the first time, I realize what love truly is, and I am humbled and blessed in so many ways. I thank God for bringing me the incredible love of my life...Tim, I can't wait to share my life with you forever.

      *    and last night...He reassured me of my significance. compared to Him...so incredibly small. He humbled me...reminded me that a true and Godly relationship involves 3...not just 2...and He is the biggest of us all. He reminded me that just because I am not speaking...just because I am not spoken to every second does not mean I am neglected or less loved. It is an opportunity...to listen...to learn...to grow. Those moments are precious. Humilty...something incredible...and beautfiul...painful sometimes, ha, but still, something to strive for. I am so selfish sometimes, but I realize that in listening more, giving more, loving more...instead of always speaking, always desiring to be listened to or attended to on every level...i am more filled my loving and giving and humbly falling to my knees.

Thank you Lord for all that you are

Thank you tim for your patience and perfection. I love you so much

Believe...

Tim comes home tomorrow, and I am so incredibly excited. He has been in Germany all week long, and it's been so difficult...not knowing when he is going to call, or if he is going to call...not sure if he's ok, or what he's doing...i've realized that over the past week over and over what love is, and have learned so much about me. It's so funny, the first two days without him were unbearable...i was so upset and worried...not knowing if he was safe, if he had even arrived there...but then i read this, and it was so empowering...

“We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed and broken. We are perplexed, but we don't give up and quit. We are hunted down, but God never abandons us. We get knocked down, but we get up again and keep going. Through suffering, these bodies of ours constantly share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies…

That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. For our present troubles are quite small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for us an immeasurably great glory that will last forever! So we don't look at the troubles we can see right now; rather, we look forward to what we have not yet seen. For the troubles we see will soon be over, but the joys to come will last forever.” 2 Corinthians 4:8-10, 16-18

It just reminded me that though this week without him is so incredibly difficult, that it's only a week in the scheme of our ENTIRE LIVES together. That my suffering or being upset is nothing compared to what some others have endured...and what CHRIST has endured for me. Him being away gave me something to look forward to...his incredible return when we would get to share hour after our in each others arms. I'm so grateful for that...and the week went by so much faster.

How often to we forget to stop...to look at the entire picture. We get so caught up in the troubles and worries that we forget that Christ has so much more in store for us than what we see before us in the here and now. Eternal beauty, joy, peace and love await us. Remember that...

I love you all

1 DAY!!!! I love you baby